which color?





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Paranoia.

I'm still afraid of the dark. I have been, I still am, and I probably will be for the rest of my life.

And I don't know why. Up until first grade, I was fine with the dark. With getting up in the middle of the night and going to the bathroom alone. With sleeping in a pitch-black room with no night-light. Then I don't know what happened. All I know is every year, that night light gets bigger, and every year, my imagination gets more and more creative.

That's why during Japanese everyone was like HAHA YOU'RE SUCH A BABY during the horror film. I really cannot stand horror films. Everything in there is like fuel for the nightmares that night. That's why I always try staying awake when I feel that paranoia. Cause once I fall asleep...it gets so much worse.

Anything supernatural will scare me. And it doesn't matter what it is. Especially that one word that begins with a G and ends with a T. Please never ever EVER say that word in front of me. I will cry when I hear that. And for once, I'm not overexaggerating here. I remember half a year ago we had this blackout at nine at night. ALL the lights just all of a sudden shut off, and I was all alone with my room. I know I should've ran, but I couldn't. I was just frozen there; paralyzed. I could hear my mom and sister laughing downstairs, but it was like through a fog or something. And then, like the little baby I am, I started crying. -__-

Even in the daylight, my imagination can run wild. And I hate it when that happens, cause once it gets started, there's no stopping it. One thing leads to another, and that to another, and before I even know what's happening, I actually HEAR my heart rate going up, and I start sweating, and I...just don't know what happens to myself. I think I go crazy. Literally crazy. And I completely lose myself.

Sorry if this sounds insane, but it's hard to get it out and making sense at the same time. I just hate the fact that this fear rules my life, and makes it so hard for me to cope with everyday things that should be easy to deal with. And I wish I had someone to go through this with me, but that really can't happen. This is something I have to deal with on my own. But I don't have the courage to deal with it. And I probably never will.

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