2012 hasn't even started, and it's already beginning to unravel bit by bit. I'm saying sorry to way too many people that the word has lost its meaning for me - I can't be sorry for something that wasn't possible for me in the first place. I'm just sorry you had such unrealistic expectations, and I'm sorry I was the person that had to carry them through. And everyone's so busy nowadays that just saying "sorry, I'm busy" doesn't cut it anymore; and that SUCKS, because I really am too busy for most things that don't happen according to plan. Maybe I'm just too methodic, and I tend to plan my life out on a 2-dimensional road rather than some 3-dimensional topsy turvy maze as it should be. Maybe. Or maybe I should stop involving myself in things I'm indifferent about, and instead start focusing on what really matters to myself - that's a thought. But I'm knee-deep in everything already, and it's too late to back out. But you know what? It's only knee-deep, and knee-deep is probably the deepest I'll ever go. I don't have the energy nor the time nor the talent nor the confidence to completely submerge myself in one activity or passion, so all I do is dabble my toes here and there, never fully committed, but never fully negligent. That's why I'm labelled a slacker, I guess, then. The girl who's here one moment but gone the next, starting her work but never really finishing it, all gung-ho in the beginning but scared in the end. Don't think I don't hear what's said when I'm gone - I've just stopped caring. Maybe not stop caring (god that makes me sound so cynical), but more like I've stopped letting it affect me. Words can do a whole lot of damage, but they only damage you as much as you let them. Still though, my shield's not perfect - little things manage to get through and hurt me, and it happens all the time.
And honestly, every time I write posts like this or complain to someone about my terrific life, it feels like some self-righteous call for pity. What's scary is that sometimes I want it to be - I want someone to tell me they understand exactly where I come from, and that all these bitches that criticize don't know what I'm going through. But that's pathetic, because I honest-to-god know it's not true. Everything that happens, happens on my watch. They happen because of my actions and my words and my attitudes towards what I do. And whoever tells me otherwise is either a good friend who wants me to feel better about myself or someone who just wants me to stop whining. But what's truly rare are those friends who tell me "bitch, you got yourself into this mess; get yourself out of it." And I always want to slap them for being so rudely blunt, but then I want to hug them and kiss them because at the end of the day, I need words like those to pick myself up. If you've never had anyone tell you that, your friends aren't being real enough. If you have, you're blessed - don't ever take them for granted.
- crazy thoughts from a crazy girl at a crazy time in her life.
I really need to finish my apps but I needed to get a few things off my chest.
We're not perfect. Yes we're said to be the school's role models and whatnot, but we make mistakes and it's not fair for you to judge us on the basis that we're ASB kids and supposedly amazing at everything we do. We make things happen - we put on Formal and talent show and International Day and Hello Dance and Homecoming - from an outsider's perspective, it looks effortless. But we literally spend hours and days and weeks just making sure the student body enjoys an event, even if it only lasts 3 hours. And to have people bitching at us for some small mistake we overlooked? Look at the bigger picture, put on your own event, and then bitch to us about it.
Being in ASB for the past 2 years, I've forgotten how we look to other people. Some call us exclusive, some call us a family - if so, we're one dysfunctional and messed up family, I'll tell you that. If any ASB members come across this post, please don't take offense - I love everyone to death, but I'm just a little disappointed. There's become so little support for events - half the class is gone when we make important decisions, and yet they complain about it when the results are unfavorable for them. People shit talk about other people's events, claiming that theirs is more important and time is being wasted on less important events. When you ask for help, rarely is it willingly given. And when you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, you're seen as being whiny and incompetent. So we all square our shoulders and march on in our separate directions, a little scared to ask for help but a little scared to do this on our own.
And I'm scared too. I've been asking the same people so many questions that they just push me away now, and I'm a little lost. Every time I make an executive decision, there's always complaints that surface and eyes that roll and voices that keep telling me I don't know how to do my job. Truth is, I really don't, and every time I do make a decision, it's with trembling hands and a shaky voice. Everyone's doubts have begun to grow on me, and I've become accustomed to the idea that every choice I make is wrong. And I hate it. I hate it with a passion. I hate that every time I raise my voice in ASB to make an announcement or to update everyone, I can feel the doubt and uncertainty from everyone around me. I hate that certain people will always find imperfection in my actions and continue to point them out. I hate that authority has made people different and placed inside them the mentality to put down those of lower positions.
And to one specific person - your lack of support for me both shocks and disappoints me. Out of all people, I thought you would be the one to back me up when certain things fell through. You knew the difficulties we all had to face in rechoosing a venue and dealing with an event planner who didn't respond in a timely fashion. You listened to me talk about how nervous and excited I was to put on this event. And as one of my closest friends for 8 years, I thought you were the one I would fall back on when things went wrong. I was so entirely wrong that it disgusts me. I forgot how willing you are to please large groups of people - if everyone was hating on Formal, of course you would jump on that boat and agree. What you don't realize is how much your opinion affects everyone else's, especially the younger underclassmen. And it hurts.
I've spent the last 4-5 hours just looking at formal venues - there's almost NOTHING that works for us. Anything that does, I know people will just put up an objection. Not fancy enough, not close enough, not cheap enough, not senior-year-formal worthy enough. I'm at a point where I just don't CARE anymore - I'm gonna pick a venue and you bitches are gonna suck it up.
Just kidding.
):
Why are LA venues so fucking pretty?! It kills me. Administration, you are so ridiculous sometimes. This frustration is killing me.
I don't know how fake our friendship actually was before this point, but looking back, it all seemed so shallow, from my side and your side. Nine years, and I don't even feel the slightest sense of loss. Seems almost sad.
Dear _________,
I've been waiting for you to grow up for God knows how long. I've been patient and I've been forgiving and I've been willing to look over all your childish antics, but you're a high school senior now - when will you grow out of your middle school mentality? I'm your friend, not your competition. But if you keep this up, I might as well be neither.
Dear _____,
Where did you come from and why have we never been friends before this? You're fucking crazy but I love you. Thank you for understanding me and knowing me so well. You're cool. I hope you don't judge me for all the hate and resentment that comes out of my mouth.
Dear ______,
It's almost sad that we had the opportunity to get close last year but never acted on it. It's also sad that the only thing that made us closer was a mutual resentment towards a certain person - but hey, I'm not complaining. You're surprisingly outspoken with your feelings, and it made me feel slightly accomplished when you finally opened up to me. Thank you for trusting me and understanding me and never failing to encourage me to slap that bitch in the face.
Dear _____,
You make me incredibly happy. Thank you for being my personal energy drink/pillow/source of motivation whenever I need a boost. We're amazing. But most of that is just because you're amazing.
Dear _____,
I wish you lived closer. We'd be best friends. You could be my gay best friend.
Dear ________,
I'm glad we're both mature enough to handle this. Thank you for being understanding and having my back even if we are complete assholes to each other most of the time. Believe it or not, I still think we make a pretty good team. When we cooperate, everything falls into place - you know that and I know that and everyone else knows that. Let's just let both of our prides fall a little to boost each other up. I'd like that.
I haven't had to do one of these in a while, but all this insecurity and lack of confidence is killing me so here we go again..
You need to breathe. Stop finding the negativity in everything and stop putting yourself down. You're not perfect, but you only keep telling yourself this because you keep comparing yourself to other people. No matter how hard you try, there will ALWAYS be someone better than you; use that person to inspire and motivate yourself, NOT bring yourself down. There's always someone prettier, someone smarter, someone more athletic, someone more outgoing, someone taller, someone more talented, someone more successful; but you honestly need to stop letting that get you down. Stop moping. Pick yourself up.
Yes, you have a lot of shit on your plate right now but stop whining - it's not getting you anywhere. Suck it up and work through it; you know you've been through worse. Yes, Formal's on a time crunch (and yes, some bitches in cabinet just refuse to be cooperative but fuck their shit), but you can do this. Get a list of venues by Wednesday, visit this weekend, final decision next week, themes/titles by end of next week, committee packets out by the 16th, ballots out by the 19th, fashion show on the 11th...everything should be able to fall in place granted you don't procrastinate like you always do. And yes, Student Showcase is soon but all you need to do is print out the app, make 20 copies, stick it into the envelopes, send in a PA request, FB event, and you're done! Breathe.
You're surrounded by so many things that you too often take for granted. You have beautiful friends, a beautiful boyfriend (hi I love you), a beautiful family, a beautiful ASB, a beautiful family at the chapter, a beautiful soon-to-be-swim-team, a beautiful holiday season! You're too holed up in your own concerns when honestly, there's no reason to. College? Face it - Penn is some fancy dream of yours; crack down on your NYU app, THEN worry about Penn and Georgetown.
Stop being insecure. Stop taking what other people say so personally. Stop letting your temper flare out of control. Stop being scared to speak up for yourself. Stop waiting for better things to come. Stop expecting everything to work out your way. Stop wasting time. Stop pushing people away. Stop being self-righteous. Stop being shallow. Stop being jealous. Stop worrying about things that don't matter.
Start being confident again. Start finding more reasons to smile. Start surrounding yourself with people that make you happy. Start trusting more. Start getting things done on time so you don't have to panic later. Start appreciating the little things. Start being more open-minded. Start finding inspiration. Start managing time better. Start being more outgoing. Start finding happiness in yourself. Start being thankful for what you have.
2012 hasn't even started, and it's already beginning to unravel bit by bit. I'm saying sorry to way too many people that the word has lost its meaning for me - I can't be sorry for something that wasn't possible for me in the first place. I'm just sorry you had such unrealistic expectations, and I'm sorry I was the person that had to carry them through. And everyone's so busy nowadays that just saying "sorry, I'm busy" doesn't cut it anymore; and that SUCKS, because I really am too busy for most things that don't happen according to plan. Maybe I'm just too methodic, and I tend to plan my life out on a 2-dimensional road rather than some 3-dimensional topsy turvy maze as it should be. Maybe. Or maybe I should stop involving myself in things I'm indifferent about, and instead start focusing on what really matters to myself - that's a thought. But I'm knee-deep in everything already, and it's too late to back out. But you know what? It's only knee-deep, and knee-deep is probably the deepest I'll ever go. I don't have the energy nor the time nor the talent nor the confidence to completely submerge myself in one activity or passion, so all I do is dabble my toes here and there, never fully committed, but never fully negligent. That's why I'm labelled a slacker, I guess, then. The girl who's here one moment but gone the next, starting her work but never really finishing it, all gung-ho in the beginning but scared in the end. Don't think I don't hear what's said when I'm gone - I've just stopped caring. Maybe not stop caring (god that makes me sound so cynical), but more like I've stopped letting it affect me. Words can do a whole lot of damage, but they only damage you as much as you let them. Still though, my shield's not perfect - little things manage to get through and hurt me, and it happens all the time.
And honestly, every time I write posts like this or complain to someone about my terrific life, it feels like some self-righteous call for pity. What's scary is that sometimes I want it to be - I want someone to tell me they understand exactly where I come from, and that all these bitches that criticize don't know what I'm going through. But that's pathetic, because I honest-to-god know it's not true. Everything that happens, happens on my watch. They happen because of my actions and my words and my attitudes towards what I do. And whoever tells me otherwise is either a good friend who wants me to feel better about myself or someone who just wants me to stop whining. But what's truly rare are those friends who tell me "bitch, you got yourself into this mess; get yourself out of it." And I always want to slap them for being so rudely blunt, but then I want to hug them and kiss them because at the end of the day, I need words like those to pick myself up. If you've never had anyone tell you that, your friends aren't being real enough. If you have, you're blessed - don't ever take them for granted.
- crazy thoughts from a crazy girl at a crazy time in her life.
I really need to finish my apps but I needed to get a few things off my chest.
We're not perfect. Yes we're said to be the school's role models and whatnot, but we make mistakes and it's not fair for you to judge us on the basis that we're ASB kids and supposedly amazing at everything we do. We make things happen - we put on Formal and talent show and International Day and Hello Dance and Homecoming - from an outsider's perspective, it looks effortless. But we literally spend hours and days and weeks just making sure the student body enjoys an event, even if it only lasts 3 hours. And to have people bitching at us for some small mistake we overlooked? Look at the bigger picture, put on your own event, and then bitch to us about it.
Being in ASB for the past 2 years, I've forgotten how we look to other people. Some call us exclusive, some call us a family - if so, we're one dysfunctional and messed up family, I'll tell you that. If any ASB members come across this post, please don't take offense - I love everyone to death, but I'm just a little disappointed. There's become so little support for events - half the class is gone when we make important decisions, and yet they complain about it when the results are unfavorable for them. People shit talk about other people's events, claiming that theirs is more important and time is being wasted on less important events. When you ask for help, rarely is it willingly given. And when you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, you're seen as being whiny and incompetent. So we all square our shoulders and march on in our separate directions, a little scared to ask for help but a little scared to do this on our own.
And I'm scared too. I've been asking the same people so many questions that they just push me away now, and I'm a little lost. Every time I make an executive decision, there's always complaints that surface and eyes that roll and voices that keep telling me I don't know how to do my job. Truth is, I really don't, and every time I do make a decision, it's with trembling hands and a shaky voice. Everyone's doubts have begun to grow on me, and I've become accustomed to the idea that every choice I make is wrong. And I hate it. I hate it with a passion. I hate that every time I raise my voice in ASB to make an announcement or to update everyone, I can feel the doubt and uncertainty from everyone around me. I hate that certain people will always find imperfection in my actions and continue to point them out. I hate that authority has made people different and placed inside them the mentality to put down those of lower positions.
And to one specific person - your lack of support for me both shocks and disappoints me. Out of all people, I thought you would be the one to back me up when certain things fell through. You knew the difficulties we all had to face in rechoosing a venue and dealing with an event planner who didn't respond in a timely fashion. You listened to me talk about how nervous and excited I was to put on this event. And as one of my closest friends for 8 years, I thought you were the one I would fall back on when things went wrong. I was so entirely wrong that it disgusts me. I forgot how willing you are to please large groups of people - if everyone was hating on Formal, of course you would jump on that boat and agree. What you don't realize is how much your opinion affects everyone else's, especially the younger underclassmen. And it hurts.
I've spent the last 4-5 hours just looking at formal venues - there's almost NOTHING that works for us. Anything that does, I know people will just put up an objection. Not fancy enough, not close enough, not cheap enough, not senior-year-formal worthy enough. I'm at a point where I just don't CARE anymore - I'm gonna pick a venue and you bitches are gonna suck it up.
Just kidding.
):
Why are LA venues so fucking pretty?! It kills me. Administration, you are so ridiculous sometimes. This frustration is killing me.
I don't know how fake our friendship actually was before this point, but looking back, it all seemed so shallow, from my side and your side. Nine years, and I don't even feel the slightest sense of loss. Seems almost sad.
Dear _________,
I've been waiting for you to grow up for God knows how long. I've been patient and I've been forgiving and I've been willing to look over all your childish antics, but you're a high school senior now - when will you grow out of your middle school mentality? I'm your friend, not your competition. But if you keep this up, I might as well be neither.
Dear _____,
Where did you come from and why have we never been friends before this? You're fucking crazy but I love you. Thank you for understanding me and knowing me so well. You're cool. I hope you don't judge me for all the hate and resentment that comes out of my mouth.
Dear ______,
It's almost sad that we had the opportunity to get close last year but never acted on it. It's also sad that the only thing that made us closer was a mutual resentment towards a certain person - but hey, I'm not complaining. You're surprisingly outspoken with your feelings, and it made me feel slightly accomplished when you finally opened up to me. Thank you for trusting me and understanding me and never failing to encourage me to slap that bitch in the face.
Dear _____,
You make me incredibly happy. Thank you for being my personal energy drink/pillow/source of motivation whenever I need a boost. We're amazing. But most of that is just because you're amazing.
Dear _____,
I wish you lived closer. We'd be best friends. You could be my gay best friend.
Dear ________,
I'm glad we're both mature enough to handle this. Thank you for being understanding and having my back even if we are complete assholes to each other most of the time. Believe it or not, I still think we make a pretty good team. When we cooperate, everything falls into place - you know that and I know that and everyone else knows that. Let's just let both of our prides fall a little to boost each other up. I'd like that.
I haven't had to do one of these in a while, but all this insecurity and lack of confidence is killing me so here we go again..
You need to breathe. Stop finding the negativity in everything and stop putting yourself down. You're not perfect, but you only keep telling yourself this because you keep comparing yourself to other people. No matter how hard you try, there will ALWAYS be someone better than you; use that person to inspire and motivate yourself, NOT bring yourself down. There's always someone prettier, someone smarter, someone more athletic, someone more outgoing, someone taller, someone more talented, someone more successful; but you honestly need to stop letting that get you down. Stop moping. Pick yourself up.
Yes, you have a lot of shit on your plate right now but stop whining - it's not getting you anywhere. Suck it up and work through it; you know you've been through worse. Yes, Formal's on a time crunch (and yes, some bitches in cabinet just refuse to be cooperative but fuck their shit), but you can do this. Get a list of venues by Wednesday, visit this weekend, final decision next week, themes/titles by end of next week, committee packets out by the 16th, ballots out by the 19th, fashion show on the 11th...everything should be able to fall in place granted you don't procrastinate like you always do. And yes, Student Showcase is soon but all you need to do is print out the app, make 20 copies, stick it into the envelopes, send in a PA request, FB event, and you're done! Breathe.
You're surrounded by so many things that you too often take for granted. You have beautiful friends, a beautiful boyfriend (hi I love you), a beautiful family, a beautiful ASB, a beautiful family at the chapter, a beautiful soon-to-be-swim-team, a beautiful holiday season! You're too holed up in your own concerns when honestly, there's no reason to. College? Face it - Penn is some fancy dream of yours; crack down on your NYU app, THEN worry about Penn and Georgetown.
Stop being insecure. Stop taking what other people say so personally. Stop letting your temper flare out of control. Stop being scared to speak up for yourself. Stop waiting for better things to come. Stop expecting everything to work out your way. Stop wasting time. Stop pushing people away. Stop being self-righteous. Stop being shallow. Stop being jealous. Stop worrying about things that don't matter.
Start being confident again. Start finding more reasons to smile. Start surrounding yourself with people that make you happy. Start trusting more. Start getting things done on time so you don't have to panic later. Start appreciating the little things. Start being more open-minded. Start finding inspiration. Start managing time better. Start being more outgoing. Start finding happiness in yourself. Start being thankful for what you have.
Impress me. Sing along to Bon Jovi and Muse with me. Watch Lion King until your eyes hurt. Laugh at all my jokes. Buy me striped clothing on my birthday! Learn to love my Mickey. (: Memorize my phone number, and memorize it RIGHT. Buy me CD albums for my birthday/Christmas/anything! Never tell me you want to watch me swim. Get me Vitamin Water when I'm stressed. (: Tell me your life story. I'll tell you mine.
