Between high school and college, between leaving home and finding home, between leaving everything behind and starting over.
And I'm so fucking scared.
I've always talked about new people and new places, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want anymore. I've realized how much I've settled into this comfortable familiarity and let my mind grow stale when dealing with new people - I can't even remember the last time I've befriended a complete stranger. And I've always been somewhat unsure about my major, but I decide to enroll in a college that only specializes in business. Talk about burning bridges.
But what I'm scared of most is leaving. Despite all my fears of not being able to make friends or being lost in the east coast culture or going through culture shock, I can't deny that underlying all of that worry is excitement. Everything is in my hands, for me to shape myself and my future. But when I look back at what I'm leaving behind, I just...can't. I can't just say bye to all these people and hop on a plane, knowing that the next time we see each other won't ever be exactly the same. I can't just pack up my room in a suitcase and expect it to feel like home when I step foot in it again. I can't just tell people "of course we'll keep in touch - 4000 miles isn't that far" when we both know we probably won't see each other again. But I guess we all have to leave behind a little piece of ourselves to move onto bigger and better things.
A piece for the ones who have made a difference in my life, a piece for all the late night adventures, a piece for old friends, a piece for new friends, a piece for the ones who have refused to let me hit rock bottom, a piece for all the tears and laughter for the past 17 years, a piece for the ones who will forever be my anchors, a piece for the ones I will never let go. I'm going to miss California and I'm going to miss everyone and everything here, but I've never been so ready for college.
I feel like I need a certain amount of time to sit down and listen to Bon Iver or Bryson Andres and tell myself to stop being such a self-centered whiny bitch. Then I can lift my head again, open my eyes, and see everything without being clouded by my own bitterness. I can't seem to get over the fact that some things are out of my control and I have this habit of letting my mind run over the same things over and over and over and over again.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm self-conscious or superficial or some nasty combination of both. But it's kind of like a double-edged sword, isn't it? If I do things to please others, I'm being self-conscious; if I do things to please myself, I'm superficial. So..what? I feel like those two words practically define who I am and all my actions stem from that. And I feel like they anchor me down from seeing what I actually want and forcing me to settle for what I think is the maximum extent for me...I don't know.
Okay good night maybe I just desperately need some alone time with my bed and when I wake up it'll all be sunshine and butterflies and chirpy birds.
Between high school and college, between leaving home and finding home, between leaving everything behind and starting over.
And I'm so fucking scared.
I've always talked about new people and new places, but I'm not sure if that's what I really want anymore. I've realized how much I've settled into this comfortable familiarity and let my mind grow stale when dealing with new people - I can't even remember the last time I've befriended a complete stranger. And I've always been somewhat unsure about my major, but I decide to enroll in a college that only specializes in business. Talk about burning bridges.
But what I'm scared of most is leaving. Despite all my fears of not being able to make friends or being lost in the east coast culture or going through culture shock, I can't deny that underlying all of that worry is excitement. Everything is in my hands, for me to shape myself and my future. But when I look back at what I'm leaving behind, I just...can't. I can't just say bye to all these people and hop on a plane, knowing that the next time we see each other won't ever be exactly the same. I can't just pack up my room in a suitcase and expect it to feel like home when I step foot in it again. I can't just tell people "of course we'll keep in touch - 4000 miles isn't that far" when we both know we probably won't see each other again. But I guess we all have to leave behind a little piece of ourselves to move onto bigger and better things.
A piece for the ones who have made a difference in my life, a piece for all the late night adventures, a piece for old friends, a piece for new friends, a piece for the ones who have refused to let me hit rock bottom, a piece for all the tears and laughter for the past 17 years, a piece for the ones who will forever be my anchors, a piece for the ones I will never let go. I'm going to miss California and I'm going to miss everyone and everything here, but I've never been so ready for college.
I feel like I need a certain amount of time to sit down and listen to Bon Iver or Bryson Andres and tell myself to stop being such a self-centered whiny bitch. Then I can lift my head again, open my eyes, and see everything without being clouded by my own bitterness. I can't seem to get over the fact that some things are out of my control and I have this habit of letting my mind run over the same things over and over and over and over again.
Sometimes I don't know if I'm self-conscious or superficial or some nasty combination of both. But it's kind of like a double-edged sword, isn't it? If I do things to please others, I'm being self-conscious; if I do things to please myself, I'm superficial. So..what? I feel like those two words practically define who I am and all my actions stem from that. And I feel like they anchor me down from seeing what I actually want and forcing me to settle for what I think is the maximum extent for me...I don't know.
Okay good night maybe I just desperately need some alone time with my bed and when I wake up it'll all be sunshine and butterflies and chirpy birds.
Impress me. Sing along to Bon Jovi and Muse with me. Watch Lion King until your eyes hurt. Laugh at all my jokes. Buy me striped clothing on my birthday! Learn to love my Mickey. (: Memorize my phone number, and memorize it RIGHT. Buy me CD albums for my birthday/Christmas/anything! Never tell me you want to watch me swim. Get me Vitamin Water when I'm stressed. (: Tell me your life story. I'll tell you mine.
