so I realized posting on my blog actually makes me feel better when I'm down cause it takes away some emotions and alleviates the frustration or pain or insecurity but then what if I'm happy? will it take that away? so to be safe and absolutely irrational I won't tell the world when I'm happy I need at least that much for myself. (:
onerepublic + city of cerritos, thank you for being beautiful.
a;lksjfalskfj is the ONLY word I can describe me/life/time/future/OUTLOOKS. I get the feeling more and MORE now, and I hate it. And I KNOW it's not depression, but it sure gets me somewhere close to there. -_- I think it's just fear of losing my sense of belonging, or losing my grasp of the future, or losing the will to work harder, or wasting my youth worrying about my future.
I think it's just stories and movies and books that are making me so damn paranoid. They talk about high school love and adventures and finding soulmates; about making it big and having access to anywhere and knowing everyone; about being loved and admired and respected by everyone. And it's just making me so...a;lsfkja;sdlk I don't even know! Scared/frustrated/depressed/insecure that I won't EVER experience the same.
And I hate how I'm so mediocre; how I can't stand out in anything. There's no faith for me to cling to, no talent to rely on, no intelligence to live off of. I'm average; below average, even. And I don't care about the 'everyone's unique!' bull, because in the real world, no one CARES that you have quirks that differ you from the person beside you. And it sounds so wrong, but I'm so damn JEALOUS of the people who've persevered and excelled at something - gymnastics, dance, art, swimming, violin, singing, acting, writing, business, ANYTHING.
I keep asking myself more and more WHY I was given this life. (oh shit here we go again.) There must have been SOME purpose for me, some impact or influence I can leave. But alskdfjasdlk I want to know NOW. I HATE fumbling around in the darkness and not knowing where's safe and where's not. I'm not brave enough to stand up against my beliefs and go my own way and succeed there, nor am I talented enough to keep up what I'm doing and be happy.
Whitney -> college -> job -> family. That's about it, right? No moviesque adventures or miraculous success plans; just plain hard work, and how much you care about it. 'Life sucks. Then you die.'
I really hope I didn't jinx myself. Maybe there's still hope? (:
'Could love be described as a maze? One goes in hoping to find the end, not really knowing what's along the way. Some people go around in circles while others find themselves in dead ends. Some mazes will be kind enough and harbor a place of rest for the weary traveler while some will show no mercy with cold steel walls. Regardless of what happens, one must keep walking and never despair because he or she could run into someone also looking for the way out. After all, the journey's always more fun when there's someone by your side.'
Shouldn't there always be a brightside after a depressing day, week, month? =/ Mine's not coming! ): I'M LOSING FAITH. Come back come back come back.
Grades are depressing. Soccer's depressing. SATs and recitals are depressing. RESPONSIBLITY is one hell of a downer.
I'd like to yell about how horrible I am at math, but I just get sad everytime I think about it. A -> B -> C -> D, literally. I'm not a Whitney failure anymore, just one in general. ): Soccer season begins next week, and I don't even know if I can pick up basics in time. Fall play gets in my way everywhere I go. Add on top of that an unstable internship that's going nowhere. And don't forget about the comps + major tests this week. And the SAT chinese this Saturday. And the violin recital this Sunday?
..if the world's really ending in 2012, I think I'll kill myself first, since all this is going towards nothing. The world BETTER not end. That would probably be the shittiest thing that could happen to me.
..then again. Everyone's dead so it wouldn't matter. -_-
On that note, GO TO CLASS ACTIVITY ON NOVEMBER 13! WE'RE WATCHING '2012' AT TOWNE CENTER. PICK UP A PERMISSION SLIP IN YOUR CHEM CLASSES; TURN THEM INTO SHARON W/ $8.75 BY FRIDAY. kkthxbai
so I realized posting on my blog actually makes me feel better when I'm down cause it takes away some emotions and alleviates the frustration or pain or insecurity but then what if I'm happy? will it take that away? so to be safe and absolutely irrational I won't tell the world when I'm happy I need at least that much for myself. (:
onerepublic + city of cerritos, thank you for being beautiful.
a;lksjfalskfj is the ONLY word I can describe me/life/time/future/OUTLOOKS. I get the feeling more and MORE now, and I hate it. And I KNOW it's not depression, but it sure gets me somewhere close to there. -_- I think it's just fear of losing my sense of belonging, or losing my grasp of the future, or losing the will to work harder, or wasting my youth worrying about my future.
I think it's just stories and movies and books that are making me so damn paranoid. They talk about high school love and adventures and finding soulmates; about making it big and having access to anywhere and knowing everyone; about being loved and admired and respected by everyone. And it's just making me so...a;lsfkja;sdlk I don't even know! Scared/frustrated/depressed/insecure that I won't EVER experience the same.
And I hate how I'm so mediocre; how I can't stand out in anything. There's no faith for me to cling to, no talent to rely on, no intelligence to live off of. I'm average; below average, even. And I don't care about the 'everyone's unique!' bull, because in the real world, no one CARES that you have quirks that differ you from the person beside you. And it sounds so wrong, but I'm so damn JEALOUS of the people who've persevered and excelled at something - gymnastics, dance, art, swimming, violin, singing, acting, writing, business, ANYTHING.
I keep asking myself more and more WHY I was given this life. (oh shit here we go again.) There must have been SOME purpose for me, some impact or influence I can leave. But alskdfjasdlk I want to know NOW. I HATE fumbling around in the darkness and not knowing where's safe and where's not. I'm not brave enough to stand up against my beliefs and go my own way and succeed there, nor am I talented enough to keep up what I'm doing and be happy.
Whitney -> college -> job -> family. That's about it, right? No moviesque adventures or miraculous success plans; just plain hard work, and how much you care about it. 'Life sucks. Then you die.'
I really hope I didn't jinx myself. Maybe there's still hope? (:
'Could love be described as a maze? One goes in hoping to find the end, not really knowing what's along the way. Some people go around in circles while others find themselves in dead ends. Some mazes will be kind enough and harbor a place of rest for the weary traveler while some will show no mercy with cold steel walls. Regardless of what happens, one must keep walking and never despair because he or she could run into someone also looking for the way out. After all, the journey's always more fun when there's someone by your side.'
Shouldn't there always be a brightside after a depressing day, week, month? =/ Mine's not coming! ): I'M LOSING FAITH. Come back come back come back.
Grades are depressing. Soccer's depressing. SATs and recitals are depressing. RESPONSIBLITY is one hell of a downer.
I'd like to yell about how horrible I am at math, but I just get sad everytime I think about it. A -> B -> C -> D, literally. I'm not a Whitney failure anymore, just one in general. ): Soccer season begins next week, and I don't even know if I can pick up basics in time. Fall play gets in my way everywhere I go. Add on top of that an unstable internship that's going nowhere. And don't forget about the comps + major tests this week. And the SAT chinese this Saturday. And the violin recital this Sunday?
..if the world's really ending in 2012, I think I'll kill myself first, since all this is going towards nothing. The world BETTER not end. That would probably be the shittiest thing that could happen to me.
..then again. Everyone's dead so it wouldn't matter. -_-
On that note, GO TO CLASS ACTIVITY ON NOVEMBER 13! WE'RE WATCHING '2012' AT TOWNE CENTER. PICK UP A PERMISSION SLIP IN YOUR CHEM CLASSES; TURN THEM INTO SHARON W/ $8.75 BY FRIDAY. kkthxbai
Impress me. Sing along to Bon Jovi and Muse with me. Watch Lion King until your eyes hurt. Laugh at all my jokes. Buy me striped clothing on my birthday! Learn to love my Mickey. (: Memorize my phone number, and memorize it RIGHT. Buy me CD albums for my birthday/Christmas/anything! Never tell me you want to watch me swim. Get me Vitamin Water when I'm stressed. (: Tell me your life story. I'll tell you mine.
