I feel like I have mixed feelings.. sigh I always do before a dance. -_- Don't get me wrong - I'm sure my date will be wonderful and amazing and for once I don't have to worry about things becoming awkward because Andrew's one of those people I'm super comfortable around. But it's just.. I don't know. I guess I'm worried that because it's his senior prom and last high school dance I won't be able to make it amazing for him? =/ Always my insecurities playing on my thoughts.. SIGH.
asdjfkalsdjf K I'M GONNA STOP WORRYING. Prom club's been stressing over this for more than half a year and we've had to put up with Verrett's ridiculously strict and conservative rules and the low count for ticket sales was literally always at the back of our minds for the past month and the drama that came with the scratchcards and askdjfalskd.. all this work and this stress is going to be paid off tomorrow, and there's no way in hell am I going to let anything stop me from having a good time. Even myself. (:
Prom 2011: La Rue a la Mer! If you're not going, you're missing out.
There's still that prick of unease swimming in my stomach... but I think I'm managing it better now. It used to be unease and fear and anxiety and uncertainty, but now there's closure, and I know what I'm dealing with. I'm just so used to things falling apart that I know what the end is going to look like before it even comes.
It's amazing how some people can act JUST the way you want them to, and even if you've seen others hurt by the same process and promised yourself you'd never be that naive, you still fall for it when it's turned on you. But I've unintentionally figured you out, and it's made me realize how silly I've been to fall for your moves, your actions, your words. I regret believing that I was actually so close to you - but it wasn't actually you, it was just one of your personalities. And maybe you meant some of the things you said or some of the things you did.. but how much of our relationship was built off of your acting and my believing? I know I shouldn't overthink everything you do, but if I really took everything at face value, I'd be dropped into the same cycle of disappointment and hurt I've been trying so hard to get out of. No attachments = no disappointments, right? But that doesn't mean I want to close myself up; I'm not quite ready for that. I still believe that there WILL be someone out there who'll be real; who will show me their actual self without any subtlety or any sugarcoating or any secrets - someone different. And maybe it's this mentality that encourages me to welcome everyone into my life with open arms because I'm convinced they'll help me make myself into a better person, even if I turn out wrong almost every single time. But I still believe in people. And maybe if that doesn't work, I believe in myself. Because when everything comes to the end, that's all I have.
It just feels SO GOOD to finally be able to kick back and not have the thought of AP's lurking in my mind everywhere I go.. SAT Subject Tests were this morning and even though Math 2C was hard as balls IT'S FINE. IT'S OVER WITH. And now I'm just on a straight road to prom. (: I scheduled a hair appointment and (kinda) a nail appointment.. all I need is to figure out where to go get my makeup done and I'm set for prom!
I was supposed to go with Andrew to check his tux colors and order our corsages.. but he forgot so I just went shopping with my mom instead. (: And it was all spontaneous too! Which makes it even better. She wanted me to throw away my messenger bag because she was convinced it was "polluting everyone's eyes." -_- Exact words. So she dragged me to all these stores to find a new bag which I eventually did find.. along with a jacket and a new pair of shoes heehee. Add to that a new planner for 2011-2012 and moar beauty products and klajsdfakjd I'm a happy camper. 8)
Detailed description of my day so you can just scroll past this. (:
Moved seats in Japanese - Oyama put our seats in these semi-awkward groups of 2.. and you have to face each other too so I was so afraid I'd get someone that would annoy me to no end and I'd end up losing all these points to negativity.. but Louis saved my life so that was a breath of relief. (: Even though I'm pretty sure he'd nugget everything I own every day.. -_- And in CLS.. I swear Mustillo's crazy in the head because during our entire quiz he was muttering to himself and I'm actually kind of concerned for him. But at the same time it's sadly entertaining and his antics are honestly the only things that keep me awake in class (that and Will constantly kicking me sigh). My secret buddy gave me cookies in ASB.. and everyone else ate them. ): But it's whatever - I eat other people's food all the time so might as well give back. And the prom wall is getting bigger and bigger = more tickets = more money = better prom! I'm so excited. (: Then precalc.. I swear I don't understand anything that's going on in that class anymore - and that just frustrates me to no end. Why would Cordova give us all this work during AP testing, of all things? And aslkjdfalksdjf test on the day before my APUSH exam? Not down.
And crazy Tuesday today, so I kinda wanted to go out and eat before swim practice.. but bitches refused to drive me back before 2. ): (Just kidding love you guys!) So instead I had this long talk with Chris I didn't think I needed - but it helped me so much. It's kind of unsettling when someone knows you better than yourself, but in Chris' case, I trust him. And I'm so grateful that he's able to make me face parts of myself that I was otherwise too scared to confront on my own. I haven't come to any certain decisions about anything yet, but I think I'm on my way now to deciding what to give up and what to keep trying for. "You have to stop thinking he'll put you before his personal needs, and realize that people can fuck you up as soon as you let them take you for granted." Insightful little brat.. ♥
Swim practice - probably last one for this season! )': It's always kind of bittersweet when season ends.. on one hand, I get back my free 7th and I have almost unlimited time to play and hang out after school; but on the other hand, we're losing so many seniors. And even though girls are losing only 2, and it's a minimal amount compared to last year's missing 10, it's still a big chunk of the team that's going away. And boys are losing around 10 this year too - and I've grown so close to these boys that I never really realized that at some point or another, they're leaving us. And even though it's not permanent and it's not as dramatic as I portray it to be (I mean, they're still going to visit and everything), it just hurts a little knowing that after prelims, the team won't work together as a single unit anymore. And askdfj;alskdjf as much as practices wear me out and Coach Paul makes me want to cry and the smell of chlorine becomes my personal perfume and just stubbornly stays everywhere, it's still an experience that I wouldn't give up for the world.
And swim had our very first pasta party today! There were like 3 or 4 or 5 different kinds of pasta.. too many to count but all I know is everyone was very generous. (: And there was ice cream and soda (shh) and BACON and cookies and chips and alkjdflaksdf I'm pretty sure this is more or less going to slow us down for prelims tomorrow than actually help us. -_- James took out his Wiiii and the team play on that thing is just ridiculous. Then we tried to watch Black Swan, but by the time we finished downloading it I was knocked out on the couch (story of my life) and everyone else was too damn tired to sit through 2 hours and a half of more TV.. soooo I guess we'll be saving that for some other time. But during the whole 5 hours I was at his house.. I just kept eating and eating and eating and eating and omg why is food so good. T___T
And I'm just so excited for prom. It's actually next week, so it's just around the corner. And Andrew's a pretty amazing person so prom can essentially make up for all the times we drifted apart and alksdjfalksdf I'm just so glad I'm going with him. (: Eleven days!!!!
It's 1AM and my family's actually all asleep...which is pretty surprising considering my mom stays up til around 3 or 4 each day doing god-knows-what; and my dad comes home at like 2AM, so having the house all to myself this early... it feels nice.
And I'm sitting in front of my computer, with makeup still on my face and cotton candy still swimming in my hair and probably some stray pieces of grass lying in my shorts somewhere. I'm honestly too lazy to go shower and change...it's disgusting but I'm too goddamn tired to move from my seat. I'm afraid once I do the first and final destination will be my bed and I'm just gonna knock out til 2 in the afternoon...which I really can't afford cause Psych is on Monday and I still haven't gone through the whole book. aklsjdfal;skdjfal;skdf I'm so scared of failing my test.
I don't even know why I stayed that long at the carnival today (okay maybe I do) - it wasted a good 6-7 hours AND made me tired..adklfajsdlkfajsdf. I honestly have such difficulties prioritizing my life that I need to reorganize and start making lists of everything I do. This is ridiculous. I swear procrastination is going to kill me one day.
I like the night. I like the quiet. I like the peacefulness. I like the serenity. I'm pretty convinced that I adopted this nocturnal system of living not only because my time management skills (or lack of) has forced me to adapt, but also because I actually truly like the atmosphere at night. I would take a stroll out every other night just for the air, but my shady ass neighborhood makes that impossible. SIGH.
I feel my bones weighing me down. Good night. (:
I hope everyone's doing okay. I'm here if you ever need a friend, a sister, a listener, a talker - whatever you need; I'll be it.
I feel like I have mixed feelings.. sigh I always do before a dance. -_- Don't get me wrong - I'm sure my date will be wonderful and amazing and for once I don't have to worry about things becoming awkward because Andrew's one of those people I'm super comfortable around. But it's just.. I don't know. I guess I'm worried that because it's his senior prom and last high school dance I won't be able to make it amazing for him? =/ Always my insecurities playing on my thoughts.. SIGH.
asdjfkalsdjf K I'M GONNA STOP WORRYING. Prom club's been stressing over this for more than half a year and we've had to put up with Verrett's ridiculously strict and conservative rules and the low count for ticket sales was literally always at the back of our minds for the past month and the drama that came with the scratchcards and askdjfalskd.. all this work and this stress is going to be paid off tomorrow, and there's no way in hell am I going to let anything stop me from having a good time. Even myself. (:
Prom 2011: La Rue a la Mer! If you're not going, you're missing out.
There's still that prick of unease swimming in my stomach... but I think I'm managing it better now. It used to be unease and fear and anxiety and uncertainty, but now there's closure, and I know what I'm dealing with. I'm just so used to things falling apart that I know what the end is going to look like before it even comes.
It's amazing how some people can act JUST the way you want them to, and even if you've seen others hurt by the same process and promised yourself you'd never be that naive, you still fall for it when it's turned on you. But I've unintentionally figured you out, and it's made me realize how silly I've been to fall for your moves, your actions, your words. I regret believing that I was actually so close to you - but it wasn't actually you, it was just one of your personalities. And maybe you meant some of the things you said or some of the things you did.. but how much of our relationship was built off of your acting and my believing? I know I shouldn't overthink everything you do, but if I really took everything at face value, I'd be dropped into the same cycle of disappointment and hurt I've been trying so hard to get out of. No attachments = no disappointments, right? But that doesn't mean I want to close myself up; I'm not quite ready for that. I still believe that there WILL be someone out there who'll be real; who will show me their actual self without any subtlety or any sugarcoating or any secrets - someone different. And maybe it's this mentality that encourages me to welcome everyone into my life with open arms because I'm convinced they'll help me make myself into a better person, even if I turn out wrong almost every single time. But I still believe in people. And maybe if that doesn't work, I believe in myself. Because when everything comes to the end, that's all I have.
It just feels SO GOOD to finally be able to kick back and not have the thought of AP's lurking in my mind everywhere I go.. SAT Subject Tests were this morning and even though Math 2C was hard as balls IT'S FINE. IT'S OVER WITH. And now I'm just on a straight road to prom. (: I scheduled a hair appointment and (kinda) a nail appointment.. all I need is to figure out where to go get my makeup done and I'm set for prom!
I was supposed to go with Andrew to check his tux colors and order our corsages.. but he forgot so I just went shopping with my mom instead. (: And it was all spontaneous too! Which makes it even better. She wanted me to throw away my messenger bag because she was convinced it was "polluting everyone's eyes." -_- Exact words. So she dragged me to all these stores to find a new bag which I eventually did find.. along with a jacket and a new pair of shoes heehee. Add to that a new planner for 2011-2012 and moar beauty products and klajsdfakjd I'm a happy camper. 8)
Detailed description of my day so you can just scroll past this. (:
Moved seats in Japanese - Oyama put our seats in these semi-awkward groups of 2.. and you have to face each other too so I was so afraid I'd get someone that would annoy me to no end and I'd end up losing all these points to negativity.. but Louis saved my life so that was a breath of relief. (: Even though I'm pretty sure he'd nugget everything I own every day.. -_- And in CLS.. I swear Mustillo's crazy in the head because during our entire quiz he was muttering to himself and I'm actually kind of concerned for him. But at the same time it's sadly entertaining and his antics are honestly the only things that keep me awake in class (that and Will constantly kicking me sigh). My secret buddy gave me cookies in ASB.. and everyone else ate them. ): But it's whatever - I eat other people's food all the time so might as well give back. And the prom wall is getting bigger and bigger = more tickets = more money = better prom! I'm so excited. (: Then precalc.. I swear I don't understand anything that's going on in that class anymore - and that just frustrates me to no end. Why would Cordova give us all this work during AP testing, of all things? And aslkjdfalksdjf test on the day before my APUSH exam? Not down.
And crazy Tuesday today, so I kinda wanted to go out and eat before swim practice.. but bitches refused to drive me back before 2. ): (Just kidding love you guys!) So instead I had this long talk with Chris I didn't think I needed - but it helped me so much. It's kind of unsettling when someone knows you better than yourself, but in Chris' case, I trust him. And I'm so grateful that he's able to make me face parts of myself that I was otherwise too scared to confront on my own. I haven't come to any certain decisions about anything yet, but I think I'm on my way now to deciding what to give up and what to keep trying for. "You have to stop thinking he'll put you before his personal needs, and realize that people can fuck you up as soon as you let them take you for granted." Insightful little brat.. ♥
Swim practice - probably last one for this season! )': It's always kind of bittersweet when season ends.. on one hand, I get back my free 7th and I have almost unlimited time to play and hang out after school; but on the other hand, we're losing so many seniors. And even though girls are losing only 2, and it's a minimal amount compared to last year's missing 10, it's still a big chunk of the team that's going away. And boys are losing around 10 this year too - and I've grown so close to these boys that I never really realized that at some point or another, they're leaving us. And even though it's not permanent and it's not as dramatic as I portray it to be (I mean, they're still going to visit and everything), it just hurts a little knowing that after prelims, the team won't work together as a single unit anymore. And askdfj;alskdjf as much as practices wear me out and Coach Paul makes me want to cry and the smell of chlorine becomes my personal perfume and just stubbornly stays everywhere, it's still an experience that I wouldn't give up for the world.
And swim had our very first pasta party today! There were like 3 or 4 or 5 different kinds of pasta.. too many to count but all I know is everyone was very generous. (: And there was ice cream and soda (shh) and BACON and cookies and chips and alkjdflaksdf I'm pretty sure this is more or less going to slow us down for prelims tomorrow than actually help us. -_- James took out his Wiiii and the team play on that thing is just ridiculous. Then we tried to watch Black Swan, but by the time we finished downloading it I was knocked out on the couch (story of my life) and everyone else was too damn tired to sit through 2 hours and a half of more TV.. soooo I guess we'll be saving that for some other time. But during the whole 5 hours I was at his house.. I just kept eating and eating and eating and eating and omg why is food so good. T___T
And I'm just so excited for prom. It's actually next week, so it's just around the corner. And Andrew's a pretty amazing person so prom can essentially make up for all the times we drifted apart and alksdjfalksdf I'm just so glad I'm going with him. (: Eleven days!!!!
It's 1AM and my family's actually all asleep...which is pretty surprising considering my mom stays up til around 3 or 4 each day doing god-knows-what; and my dad comes home at like 2AM, so having the house all to myself this early... it feels nice.
And I'm sitting in front of my computer, with makeup still on my face and cotton candy still swimming in my hair and probably some stray pieces of grass lying in my shorts somewhere. I'm honestly too lazy to go shower and change...it's disgusting but I'm too goddamn tired to move from my seat. I'm afraid once I do the first and final destination will be my bed and I'm just gonna knock out til 2 in the afternoon...which I really can't afford cause Psych is on Monday and I still haven't gone through the whole book. aklsjdfal;skdjfal;skdf I'm so scared of failing my test.
I don't even know why I stayed that long at the carnival today (okay maybe I do) - it wasted a good 6-7 hours AND made me tired..adklfajsdlkfajsdf. I honestly have such difficulties prioritizing my life that I need to reorganize and start making lists of everything I do. This is ridiculous. I swear procrastination is going to kill me one day.
I like the night. I like the quiet. I like the peacefulness. I like the serenity. I'm pretty convinced that I adopted this nocturnal system of living not only because my time management skills (or lack of) has forced me to adapt, but also because I actually truly like the atmosphere at night. I would take a stroll out every other night just for the air, but my shady ass neighborhood makes that impossible. SIGH.
I feel my bones weighing me down. Good night. (:
I hope everyone's doing okay. I'm here if you ever need a friend, a sister, a listener, a talker - whatever you need; I'll be it.
Impress me. Sing along to Bon Jovi and Muse with me. Watch Lion King until your eyes hurt. Laugh at all my jokes. Buy me striped clothing on my birthday! Learn to love my Mickey. (: Memorize my phone number, and memorize it RIGHT. Buy me CD albums for my birthday/Christmas/anything! Never tell me you want to watch me swim. Get me Vitamin Water when I'm stressed. (: Tell me your life story. I'll tell you mine.
