I was reading through my old posts and I felt like...I've changed so much. But at the same time, I feel like I'm exactly the same. Which is kind of troubling since that made no sense at all. But I just feel like...I continuously get caught up in the same emotions, but just in different circumstances. And reading through my previous thoughts is like talking to an old friend, but not exactly talking to yourself.
Things are looking up. And I'm not saying this so I'll have this fleeting moment of bliss like I always do, but things really are. There's still those moments when I have to struggle to hold everything together and thinking of you - the person who was supposed to be there to help me hold my life together - just absolutely destroys me. But I'm starting to think more and more that what I'm missing so desperately is not exactly you, but the security and the comfort you provided. And as soon as these memories fade away or become replaced by less painful ones, I'm hoping you'll be reduced to just a distant memory - one that makes me smile, and not cause me heartache like it is right now. You'll always be...a mystery, I guess, cause I'll never know how things would have turned out if either one of us acted differently. If your personality was less impulsive or if mine was less hesitant. If we started getting close just one week earlier. If we weren't such opposites in everything - personality, lifestyle, opinion. If you didn't give up. "What if" is honestly such a painful question; all the answers it provides are possibilities that you didn't take advantage of, and it brings you nothing but pain and regret. I just wish...I wasn't so insecure and relied on other people for happiness and contentment (is that even a word?).
There are still times when it's late at night and everything seems to be crashing down on me and nothing seems to be going right and the only thing that comforts me is really you. Because when my life was flying in every direction, I wasn't the only one reaching out and picking up the pieces - you helped me. You were my constant; my one source of happiness when everything else failed. But now I just feel like I'm floundering in the dark, and the difference now is your back is turned - not because you don't care, but because you don't even know anymore.
And as much as I hate to say it, I still miss you. But life without you is becoming bearable - the future's clearing up now, without my confusion and frustration clouding up my decisions. And I'm so glad I got my head sorted out just on time for finals, because if I was still in that mess when grades mattered the most...I would definitely regret it when I looked back. The light at the end of the tunnel has stopped coming in and out of my view; though small, it's steady and it's constant and at the end of the day, it'll help me get through.
Things to look forward to: - Misfits w/ Andrew - swim team - smelling like chlorine all day long - swim outings - Disneyland during spring break - busting out summer clothes - eating watermelon - Disneyland passes when senior year hits - getting a permit/license - hugs hugs and more hugs - Red Cross family - the beach - Sadies
There's SO much more to live for. Life is good. ♥ Never forget that.
I swore that I was gonna stop this cycle from happening again but I honestly can't even help it. Maybe I should just stop relying too heavily on other sources for happiness EGH I feel like a little rain cloud that just never stops depressing myself and the people around me LOL. I swore I wasn't going to bring my hopes up but I honestly didn't even know I was doing that...I swear I thought I was being reasonable and looking at everything at all angles; k but what I was REALLY doing was just going in headfirst and not giving a single care about anything else...EGH not cool.
And can these random bouts of paranoia just get out of my life PLEASE. They're such a hassle and they're making me miserable. -_- I keep losing focus not only on academics but on what I want/need in life IN GENERAL and I can't afford to do that at this point. There's so much I need to deal with with SAT and comps and Formal coming up and akdjf;aldkfja;sdlkf I feel like I don't even understand myself anymore. Maybe I don't want to go back to that happy above-the-clouds phase but I still want to be CONTENT at least.
I was reading through my old posts and I felt like...I've changed so much. But at the same time, I feel like I'm exactly the same. Which is kind of troubling since that made no sense at all. But I just feel like...I continuously get caught up in the same emotions, but just in different circumstances. And reading through my previous thoughts is like talking to an old friend, but not exactly talking to yourself.
Things are looking up. And I'm not saying this so I'll have this fleeting moment of bliss like I always do, but things really are. There's still those moments when I have to struggle to hold everything together and thinking of you - the person who was supposed to be there to help me hold my life together - just absolutely destroys me. But I'm starting to think more and more that what I'm missing so desperately is not exactly you, but the security and the comfort you provided. And as soon as these memories fade away or become replaced by less painful ones, I'm hoping you'll be reduced to just a distant memory - one that makes me smile, and not cause me heartache like it is right now. You'll always be...a mystery, I guess, cause I'll never know how things would have turned out if either one of us acted differently. If your personality was less impulsive or if mine was less hesitant. If we started getting close just one week earlier. If we weren't such opposites in everything - personality, lifestyle, opinion. If you didn't give up. "What if" is honestly such a painful question; all the answers it provides are possibilities that you didn't take advantage of, and it brings you nothing but pain and regret. I just wish...I wasn't so insecure and relied on other people for happiness and contentment (is that even a word?).
There are still times when it's late at night and everything seems to be crashing down on me and nothing seems to be going right and the only thing that comforts me is really you. Because when my life was flying in every direction, I wasn't the only one reaching out and picking up the pieces - you helped me. You were my constant; my one source of happiness when everything else failed. But now I just feel like I'm floundering in the dark, and the difference now is your back is turned - not because you don't care, but because you don't even know anymore.
And as much as I hate to say it, I still miss you. But life without you is becoming bearable - the future's clearing up now, without my confusion and frustration clouding up my decisions. And I'm so glad I got my head sorted out just on time for finals, because if I was still in that mess when grades mattered the most...I would definitely regret it when I looked back. The light at the end of the tunnel has stopped coming in and out of my view; though small, it's steady and it's constant and at the end of the day, it'll help me get through.
Things to look forward to: - Misfits w/ Andrew - swim team - smelling like chlorine all day long - swim outings - Disneyland during spring break - busting out summer clothes - eating watermelon - Disneyland passes when senior year hits - getting a permit/license - hugs hugs and more hugs - Red Cross family - the beach - Sadies
There's SO much more to live for. Life is good. ♥ Never forget that.
I swore that I was gonna stop this cycle from happening again but I honestly can't even help it. Maybe I should just stop relying too heavily on other sources for happiness EGH I feel like a little rain cloud that just never stops depressing myself and the people around me LOL. I swore I wasn't going to bring my hopes up but I honestly didn't even know I was doing that...I swear I thought I was being reasonable and looking at everything at all angles; k but what I was REALLY doing was just going in headfirst and not giving a single care about anything else...EGH not cool.
And can these random bouts of paranoia just get out of my life PLEASE. They're such a hassle and they're making me miserable. -_- I keep losing focus not only on academics but on what I want/need in life IN GENERAL and I can't afford to do that at this point. There's so much I need to deal with with SAT and comps and Formal coming up and akdjf;aldkfja;sdlkf I feel like I don't even understand myself anymore. Maybe I don't want to go back to that happy above-the-clouds phase but I still want to be CONTENT at least.
Impress me. Sing along to Bon Jovi and Muse with me. Watch Lion King until your eyes hurt. Laugh at all my jokes. Buy me striped clothing on my birthday! Learn to love my Mickey. (: Memorize my phone number, and memorize it RIGHT. Buy me CD albums for my birthday/Christmas/anything! Never tell me you want to watch me swim. Get me Vitamin Water when I'm stressed. (: Tell me your life story. I'll tell you mine.
