I keep telling myself that life is good - I'm healthy, I have stable (relatively) relationships, smiling is as easy as ever.. but there's this constant nagging feeling that I continually have to suppress, and it's just.. THERE. And I don't know why it's there or where it originated from, but I'm pretty damn sure if I put in the effort to find out, I'd know. I'm just too scared.
Maybe part of the reason is due to the constant presence of APs - the fact that even after you're done with all your schoolwork for the day there's STILL a massive pile of shit you have to cram in your head - it gets kind of exhausting, mentally and physically. And some part of me wishes I never signed up to self-study for Psych.. the book, even in its most condensed form, makes absolutely no sense to me after a couple of pages. And though a few interesting points get brought up here and there, it's monotony through and through. Maybe I'm just not motivated to learn.. or maybe my mental capacity has already maximized for the time being. T_T Yeah academics are just a pain in the ass in general.. SIGH.
And after APs are Prom.. which is reasonable timing I guess - it signifies the end of a long period of stress; but it also gives me no time whatsoever to shop for my dress! I honestly regret not clearing out a day during spring break to dedicate to dress hunting, because searching for a dress during a weekday is NOT the business. Especially during AP cram week.. what a nightmare. I guess worst case scenario I'd have to go hit up Windsor, an idea which I don't really find appealing since in most cases, those dresses are repeated. But driving all the way to LA to find a dress on a weekday.. adslkfjalskdjfalksdjfad UGH. But at least I have prom itself to look forward to. (:
But even after addressing all the problems associated with APs and Prom.. I still feel uneasy. And I think it's because I feel myself stepping into foreign territory, and it all feels familiar and welcoming.. but at the same time, it feels dark and threatening. I'm scared to get hurt again. I'm scared to step into the same cycle and go through the motions and ending up on the sidelines again. I keep telling myself every time to take the chance and go for it and risk failure but honestly - how many times can you fall down before you refuse to pick yourself up again? I'm capable of handling myself and I know for a fact that I'll always find the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how small or how far away. But the truth of the matter is, I'm not willing to go through all that effort if I'm just going to be tossed back out again. I want to gain stable ground, if only for a while, and know how it feels to be content - not depressed as fuck, not wildly infatuated, but content. And I don't want these insecurities to keep pushing on my shoulders anymore - I want someone to take them away and assure me that I'll be okay, that everything will be fine, that the end is worth the wait.
I keep telling myself that life is good - I'm healthy, I have stable (relatively) relationships, smiling is as easy as ever.. but there's this constant nagging feeling that I continually have to suppress, and it's just.. THERE. And I don't know why it's there or where it originated from, but I'm pretty damn sure if I put in the effort to find out, I'd know. I'm just too scared.
Maybe part of the reason is due to the constant presence of APs - the fact that even after you're done with all your schoolwork for the day there's STILL a massive pile of shit you have to cram in your head - it gets kind of exhausting, mentally and physically. And some part of me wishes I never signed up to self-study for Psych.. the book, even in its most condensed form, makes absolutely no sense to me after a couple of pages. And though a few interesting points get brought up here and there, it's monotony through and through. Maybe I'm just not motivated to learn.. or maybe my mental capacity has already maximized for the time being. T_T Yeah academics are just a pain in the ass in general.. SIGH.
And after APs are Prom.. which is reasonable timing I guess - it signifies the end of a long period of stress; but it also gives me no time whatsoever to shop for my dress! I honestly regret not clearing out a day during spring break to dedicate to dress hunting, because searching for a dress during a weekday is NOT the business. Especially during AP cram week.. what a nightmare. I guess worst case scenario I'd have to go hit up Windsor, an idea which I don't really find appealing since in most cases, those dresses are repeated. But driving all the way to LA to find a dress on a weekday.. adslkfjalskdjfalksdjfad UGH. But at least I have prom itself to look forward to. (:
But even after addressing all the problems associated with APs and Prom.. I still feel uneasy. And I think it's because I feel myself stepping into foreign territory, and it all feels familiar and welcoming.. but at the same time, it feels dark and threatening. I'm scared to get hurt again. I'm scared to step into the same cycle and go through the motions and ending up on the sidelines again. I keep telling myself every time to take the chance and go for it and risk failure but honestly - how many times can you fall down before you refuse to pick yourself up again? I'm capable of handling myself and I know for a fact that I'll always find the light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how small or how far away. But the truth of the matter is, I'm not willing to go through all that effort if I'm just going to be tossed back out again. I want to gain stable ground, if only for a while, and know how it feels to be content - not depressed as fuck, not wildly infatuated, but content. And I don't want these insecurities to keep pushing on my shoulders anymore - I want someone to take them away and assure me that I'll be okay, that everything will be fine, that the end is worth the wait.
Impress me. Sing along to Bon Jovi and Muse with me. Watch Lion King until your eyes hurt. Laugh at all my jokes. Buy me striped clothing on my birthday! Learn to love my Mickey. (: Memorize my phone number, and memorize it RIGHT. Buy me CD albums for my birthday/Christmas/anything! Never tell me you want to watch me swim. Get me Vitamin Water when I'm stressed. (: Tell me your life story. I'll tell you mine.
