I feel like I need a certain amount of time to sit down and listen to Bon Iver or Bryson Andres and tell myself to stop being such a self-centered whiny bitch. Then I can lift my head again, open my eyes, and see everything without being clouded by my own bitterness. I can't seem to get over the fact that some things are out of my control and I have this habit of letting my mind run over the same things over and over and over and over again.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm self-conscious or superficial or some nasty combination of both. But it's kind of like a double-edged sword, isn't it? If I do things to please others, I'm being self-conscious; if I do things to please myself, I'm superficial. So..what? I feel like those two words practically define who I am and all my actions stem from that. And I feel like they anchor me down from seeing what I actually want and forcing me to settle for what I think is the maximum extent for me...I don't know.

Okay good night maybe I just desperately need some alone time with my bed and when I wake up it'll all be sunshine and butterflies and chirpy birds.

Naht. I actually hate birds.